Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Of course, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for historic culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.

"It is going to be huge. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed with the Placing environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the best. But now, we are building them with balconies."

Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and solely from place. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:

A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until finally the drone flies")

And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable drinking water. But Sure, sure, let's have A different put exactly where American Adult men can wear robes and phone it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, certainly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: give Everybody a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

In accordance with files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This really is tender electricity," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, Trump Tower Damascus primarily into gold-plated intercoms set up in each device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It is really that he must quit utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked concerning the job, replied, "You are aware of, guy, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Good people today. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."

Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head visible from House, a element being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, categorized.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after acquiring the creating's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It is really not only ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Attributes

Probably the strangest ingredient on the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium exactly where company might ponder imprecise disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Manage set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.

Area Syrians are Not sure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing and advertising Method: "In case you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"

The advert marketing campaign, not long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:

"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Forever."

Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:

"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."

Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge shows:

34% say "it would stabilize the world"

29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"

18% said "exactly where's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"

Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"

The challenge is already attracting focus from Global investors, which include:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll purchase a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree can even incorporate:

A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Place Depending on the Iraq War

Remark Portion Chaos

Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Won't be able to wait around to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Lastly, a resort exactly where my PTSD can have flip-down service."

Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Outcome

U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences advise:

China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Final Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside of a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:

"Damascus necessary hope. It essential gold. It wanted a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."